After an unplanned scientific experiment I conducted just now while rummaging through a pantry cupboard, I recorded the following observations:
-Cheeze-Its™ brand snack crackers decay in a non-exponential fashion, with a half-life of roughly 18 months from time of initial unsealing.
-When smashing one’s head forcefully into an open cabinet door to the extent that stars and birds become visible, said stars and birds revolve around the victim’s head in a counter-clockwise orbit, rather than a clockwise pattern as commonly depicted in both classic and contemporary cartoons1.
[ 1: see also: Tunes, Looney; anvils ]
If so, you should pick up the December issue of Scientific American and read the feature article “The Case of the Disappearing Daguerreotypes”, which is all about how my colleague Ralph Wiegandt teamed up with a physicist at the University of Rochester to discover the secrets behind the deterioration of silver-plate photographs at a nano scale.
AMAZING! Mark Twain in Nikola Tesla’s laboratory in 1894.
I love this photo so much. I wonder what they talked about.
I hope they got drunk and used sparks to set things on fire.
Oh, it’s WAY better than that. An experience with one of Tesla’s inventions made Twain NEARLY SHIT HIS PANTS. From a Tesla biography:This contraption, he explained, “consists of a platform supported on elastic cushions that are ade to oscillate by means of compressed air. One day, I stepped on the platform and the vibrations imparted were transmitted to my body….Evidently, these isochronous rapid oscillations stimulated powerfully the peristaltic movements which propel the food-stuffs through the alimentary channels.”
“You mean, it’ll make me regular?” Twain inquired.
“Precisely, and without the use of elixirs, specific remedies or internal applications whatever.”
Without further ado, Twain stepped aboard as Tesla tried to stop his assistants from chuckling. As Twain had been so enthusiastic, Tesla neglected to inform him that peristaltic action is induced almost immediately.
“Suddenly, Twain felt an unspeakable and pressing necessity which had to be promptly satisfied,” Tesla told the Johnsons the next day to their tearful glee, for he had to jump off the platform and find his way swiftly to the lavatory.
“I think I’ll start with the electrotheraphy machines,” Twain said upon his return. ”Wouldn’t want those widows to get too healthy all at one shot.”
What an incredible collaboration of
I want to be at that party.
I wrote a short story about this encounter a couple of years ago, but never polished it up for publication. Now I am inspired to do so.
I AM ABOUT TO USE A SOLDERING IRON.