I had a dream we met in a hotel bar, where we had a drink and chatted for a bit. You were dressed as Dr. Thaddeus Venture from the future. You pointed to a group of people and told me, "Those are my friends over there. You'll like them, they're good people. Go introduce yourself, and I'll be over in a minute." I went over and talked to them and found out they didn't know you at all. I looked back, and you had disappeared. My question is: What's it like being Dr. Jonas Venture Jr.'s brother?
Frankly, I never should have had that tumor removed.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have inventions to perfect.
I was the smallest guy on my college lacrosse team. Shocker, right?
Anyway, in my freshman season, my coach said to me, “You’re going to get flattened by the big guys ten times every game. But so what. You’re also going to beat them to the ball twenty times every game because you’re quicker. Agility trumps size.” (emphasis mine)
I normally hate sports metaphors, but I still think that holds up as a great piece of advice about life in general.
I am currently accepting applications for the role of Sidekick.
Qualifications include, but are not limited to, broad knowledge of such topics as film history, comic book canon, cryptozoology, particle physics, medieval English literature, and doomsday device disarmament. Other unique areas of uncommon expertise will be considered.
Applicants must also possess eagerness bordering on annoying earnestness, high reserves of pluck and spunk, a generally manic and playful disposition, and the willingness and ability to save my ass in precarious situations while allowing me the illusion that I did it myself, and also letting me take public credit for saving the day (cf. Watson, Dr. John; Jeeves).
Must also have a zippy catchphrase. Cape will be provided.
Generous benefits package, competitive salary commensurate with experience, and all the coffee you can drink.
“WARNING: AT NO TIME IS IT ADVISABLE TO ENTER INTO THE ACT OF PERSONAL CORRESPONDENCE RASHLY OR IN AN AGITATED STATE UNLESS YOU ARE PASSIONATELY IN LOVE OR ABOUT TO FOUND A NEW NATION AND ARE VERY SURE OF THIS LOVE OR THE VICTORY OF THIS NEW NATION. OTHERWISE I URGE YOU TO TRY THE EXERCISE AGAIN.”—from The Writing of a Personal Note or Letter, by Nancy Sharon Collins
“Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac…It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!”—Cardinal Richelieu, 1637
Hi. Hello. It's currently 1 degree outside with a windchill of -17 degrees. I think this kind of weather warrants a no-pants dance party inside, by the heater (because, fuck it's cold). Do you A) Agree B) Disagree C) Want to Join Me or D) S'mores?
I’m going to go with “C and D”, and also E) blanketfort hot toddy party.
What question were you hoping someone would ask you?
I was hoping someone would ask if I could help them spend the $100k that their recently deceased uncle left them. I’ve got a short film to make and it’s not gonna happen on what I’ve got in my savings account.
Thank you! I actually hate having my photo taken, and I can’t seem to ever have a headshot that doesn’t leave me looking vaguely perplexed and/or slightly annoyed. Although I guess that’s just my normal resting face.
TT: "I Don't Have Anything Interesting to Say" Edition
I was drinking alone last night, and as I am wont to do on such occasions, got to thinking about Why I Am the Way I Am. I ended up writing a 2000-ish word piece about seeing Close Encounters of the Third Kind when I was eight and connecting it to my discovery of François Truffaut and Jules and Jim and then to Alfred Hitchcock and over to Rod Serling and The Twilight Zone and then somehow back to Truffaut and sideways to Ray Bradbury and Douglas Adams and Neil Gaiman and David Fincher and JJ Abrams and the short sci-fi film (shot on a Betamax camera the size of a Prius) that I made for my gifted class project when I was ten.
It’s a good piece, but I’m not going to post it here. It needs some work.
Also, you people don’t come here for my reflective, thought-provoking stuff. So here is a cat gif for you. You internet dicklicks sure do love your cats.